Cooking a meal from scratch isn't a big thing. I've been doing it for myself from my teens. But since Tim's sudden and unexpected death in February I haven't been able to face it, and I've been largely living off ready meals, food provided by lovely people, and meal replacement shakes and bars because I know that way I am least getting nutrients. Last week was a milestone week for me. The week I cooked from scratch. A slow-cooker full of chicken in coconut milk, with garlic and ginger. It might not seem much – but for me it was a major deal.
Thanks to personal trainer Callum Sully and his WORK OFF! 30 day online programme for the incentive and to WAY Widowed and Young for the ongoing support.
I've just bought a new shredder, and now my office carpet looks like it's been hit by a cellulose snowstorm. I'm going through a huge box of papers and getting rid of anything older than five years.
There's a satisfaction of pushing sheets of paper into its tooth-lined maw, and filling paper sacks with shreddings for recycling. It is making me think of things that are no more. Cars, houses, cats, jobs. And marriages.
There's a lot of Tim's paperwork in here. Payslips, bank statements, bills, receipts, car documentation. And always the challenge of seeing his writing. I can't keep it all but there is part of me that feels guilty getting rid of it, as if I am erasing him.
There are some things I'm keeping, though. An old driving license. His invitation to his cousin's 21st birthday party. The receipt from a wonderful; holiday in the Loire Valley. Notes that he left on my desk. It's a balance between preservation and decluttering, and the most valuable things there are I still have. My memories of him.